She Deserves It
by Angel-son of Caesar
Summary: What if James gave up on Lily while they were at school? Angsty AU, not my usual stuff, no fluff, some coarse language. Curb your enthusiasm.


**She Deserves It**

Summary: What if James gave up on Lily while they were at school? Angsty AU, not my usual stuff, no fluff. Curb your enthusiasm.

* * *

I. In Retrospect

In fifth year, she hated him.

Why?

In retrospect, he realized he _was_ rather annoying.

In retrospect, he realized he _was_ quite arrogant.

In retrospect, he realized he _was_ a bully.

In retrospect, he realized that she was probably right.

But her words. Her actions. Her body language.

They had still hurt.

They had hurt so much...it was inexcusable. It was inconceivable that someone could have such intense and pure hatred for another human being. He didn't deserve it.

But she hadn't seen him as a human being, had she?

What she had said...it was unforgivable.

In retrospect, she realized she should have listened.

In retrospect, she realized she should have given it a chance.

In retrospect, everything seemed different.

In retrospect, she realized that she was probably wrong.

II. Distance

In sixth year, he was cold.

He was not openly hostile, but he was not amiable either.

He did not forgive her...how could he?

He did not approach her...why would he?

He did not speak to her...was it necessary?

He did not look at her...what good would that do?

There was a good deal of distance between the two of them.

And at the time, she liked it. She was grateful.

She thought she deserved some peace, for once.

III. Fellow Heads

In seventh year, they were Head Boy and Girl.

They were forced to work together, to make peace and play nice, if only for the sake of the school.

He was forced to look at her, to speak to her, to approach her.

But, most importantly, he was forced to forgive her.

And that changed everything.

IV. Growing

He had grown since fifth year.

He was taller, his hair longer and more unruly, his glasses larger.

He had matured.

No longer was he the "arrogant, bullying toe-rag" of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

That James Potter had died, and from the remains grew a new James Potter, an improved James Potter.

She began to trust him.

V. Peace

He had to be nice to her.

He had to forgive her.

Putting himself in her shoes, he thought that, perhaps, what she had done was justified.

But it did not matter whether or not it was justified.

He had to forgive her anyway, either way.

So he did.

It takes strength to forgive.

But he was strong.

And, in turn, she had realized that he was more mature, more of a man than a boy, now.

She trusted him.

So they made peace.

At the time, they had said it was merely for the sake of the school.

At the time, neither thought it would last.

At the time, it seemed to her like a good idea.

At the time, it happened.

And, in the end, that's all that really mattered.

VI. Friendship

They were friends now.

They each saw in the other things they had never noticed before, things that they had no idea existed.

She became friends with his friends, as well.

They were happy.

For a time.

VII. A Conclusion

He'd given up hope with her, long ago.

He'd moved on, given up the quest of winning her over, of winning her love.

He had a new quest, now.

For the past couple of years, he'd been reassessing his values.

For the past couple of years, he'd been thinking about what kind of girl he'd like to be with.

For the past couple of years, he'd been looking for the girl he'd want to grow old with.

And he came to a conclusion.

He needed _her_.

VIII. The Search

But he couldn't have _her_.

So he had to search for someone else.

And, after a good deal of thought, he decided he'd find a girl as much alike to her as humanly possible.

Except, of course, she had to love him in return. She had to offer him what _she_ could not. He needed this girl.

So he tried to find her.

And, eventually, he succeeded.

IX. Girlfriend

She did not look like _her_.

She did not sound like _her_.

She did not dress like _her_.

But she acted like _her_.

And she loved him.

And, of course, that was all that mattered.

X. Weeks

He had a girlfriend now.

But she didn't worry.

There were two reasons for this lack of concern.

The first: she was obviously not in love with him. Why worry? (Of course, she _was_ in love with him, but no one realized. If they had, JKR's version of events would be true in this story, and he would not have a girlfriend who wasn't _her_ now, and everything would be just peachy.)

The second: he went through a different girl each week. It would not be long.

But one week turned into two, and two into four, and four into eight.

And he still had a girlfriend.

So there was just one reason not to worry.

XI. Envy

At first, she didn't admit she was jealous.

She had to deny it, all the time.

She was not his girlfriend. His girlfriend was his girlfriend. She had no right to be jealous.

Because, of course, being jealous meant being in love.

And she absolutely _could not_ be in love.

Not with him.

XII. Torture

It was pure torture, seeing them together, when she could only be his friend.

Seeing him smile at her the way he smiled _only_ at her.

He didn't even smile at her that way anymore.

Whenever he told her a joke, or laughed with her, or snuggled with her, she imagined him doing those things with herself, instead of with that &*#%$.

She walked in on them snogging once. She cried herself to sleep that night.

Even worse than that, once, in his haste and excitement, he'd forgotten to put a Silencing Charm on his bedroom door.

She was about ready to kill herself after that.

He'd clearly gotten over her.

She'd missed her one chance at happiness.

Life sucked.

XIII. Suffering

"Honey, I'm home!" James called as he entered the Heads' dorms.

Lily smiled from inside her bedroom. She remembered when, back in fifth year, James would say that to her upon entering the Gryffindor common room.

She got up and opened her door, ready to greet him.

As she opened the door, she was met with the sight of _her_ bursting out of James' bedroom and launching herself into James' waiting arms.

Lily's smile faded, and she slipped back into her room, quietly shutting the door, unnoticed.

They'd moved in together.

Bloody hell.

Was that even allowed?

Well, he was a Marauder...why would he care?

She couldn't turn him in...that would be out of line, and it would also show that she loved him.

So, every day, she was forced to wake up to the sight of them together, see _her_ in his lap at all times, and go to sleep listening to them snuggle.

She realized now how he must have suffered all those years.

What a terrible person she was, putting him through that, much more knowingly that he was putting her through this.

Life sucked so much more now.

XIV. Union

He was in an exceptionally happy mood today.

She was not.

Life had no meaning to her anymore.

There was no hope for her.

_She_ had said yes.

XV. Poetic Justice

She had to attend the wedding.

It was painful.

So many hours of fake smiling and laughing and saying nice things about the bride and groom, while, on the inside, she was dying.

When it was finally over, she went home and had what her sex call a good cry.

Afterwards, she lay on her bed, and mused that it had never felt so empty.

But she should not have been thinking about that, because it paved the way to worse thoughts about _him_ and _her_ and their _shared_ bed and things they'd be doing right now.

Talk about poetic justice.

XVI. Irony

She missed him.

She missed waking up and seeing him every morning, going to bed right after seeing him every night, and his _constant presence_.

For a good amount of her time at Hogwarts, she could not wait to not have him chasing her, she could not wait to leave and never have to see him again, to neither know nor care about what he was doing, where he was, who he was with, to not ever speak to him again, to never hear his voice or his laugh again, to never have to see his hair, his smile, or his eyes again. She couldn't wait to just have absolutely nothing to do with him ever again.

But now that he was gone, her life felt empty.

She did not taste the food she ate, she never enjoyed anything, her friends stopped seeing her, and the few dates she got went down the drain.

Oh, the irony.

XVII. News

Good news: he was having a baby.

Bad news: it wasn't with her.

He was so happy and so proud.

He asked her to come see his son.

_His_ son.

Not _their_ son, _his_ son. The son he had with his wife, not with her.

What could she do? She had to oblige.

Harry James Potter looked just like his father.

But, of course, the eyes. The eyes were those of his mother.

And she couldn't help but wonder, if Harry was hers, would he have emeralds in those sockets?

XVIII. Strength

He died; and with him, died a good part of her.

The news spread like wildfire; Little one-year-old Harry James Potter had defeated Voldemort.

How? She neither knew nor cared. Harry did not matter. Voldemort did not matter.

_He_ was dead. And, in the end, _he_ was all that mattered.

She found that she could not take part in the parties and rejoicing.

Instead, she thought and she cried.

She wondered if she'd married him and gave birth to Harry, would she be peacefully dead right now, lying in a grave beside him, instead of living a life of sorrow and pain?

Every day, the food she ate tasted like excrement, her throat was constantly tight, her eyes constantly red, and she woke up screaming his name in the night.

It takes strength, _so very much_ _strength_, to live.

But she was strong.

XIX. Pensieve

She bought a Pensieve.

All memories involving _him_ went in there.

She went back and viewed them.

Each night she looked at three or four of her rejections of him.

And, three or four times each night, she wished she'd said yes.

Three or four times each night, she saw something she hadn't seen at the time.

She saw the genuine love in his eyes, she saw the hurt in his face after each decline.

She saw him slowly dying.

She reviewed that fateful day in fifth year.

And, in retrospect, she saw that she was out of line.

After that, she put the Pensieve in a closet and didn't touch it for a long, long time.

The past had passed.

Her chance had passed.

There was no use reliving her school years through memories.

She went back to Hogwarts, to teach Potions at her old school.

The nostalgia was painful. It sucked the life right out of her.

XX. Sorting

She was staring at him.

He didn't know why.

He asked Percy who she was, and he replied, "Oh, Professor Evans? She's the Potions Master here."

But, then, why was she staring?

If only he knew.

If only he knew that she stared because she saw her love again. She saw James in him, but she also saw _her_.

It hurt her so much to see the eyes of the person she'd hated most in the middle of the face of the one she'd loved the most.

If only he knew.

XXI. Chatting

Fifteen-year-old Harry Potter was sitting in his godfather's home.

Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were discussing Order business quietly near him, but he paid no attention.

He was staring at Professor Evans.

Ever since that first day, he couldn't help but feel strange around her. She was intriguing, and she obviously acted weird around him, but he had no idea why.

She glanced his way and they briefly made eye contact. For a second she froze, transfixed, then she blinked and fled from the room.

Sirius and Remus noticed this.

"Why does she act so strange around me?" asked Harry.

The two older men shared a glance.

"Well, Harry," Remus began, "she knew your father."

"James used to be absolutely head over ears in love with her," cut in Sirius, getting straight to the point.

"What?" Harry said incredulously. "No way."

"Yes, Harry," confirmed Remus. "For the longest time she was the only thing ever on his mind."

"But, if he loved her so much, how come _she's_ not my mother?"

"Well," said Sirius, "she didn't exactly share his feelings."

"She rather hated him for a good part of our school years."

"Yes, he'd always ask her out and she'd get angry and they'd argue a bit. Nothing that bad."

"Are you kidding?" Remus asked. "When I taught at Hogwarts, the portraits and even some of the teachers still referred to Lily Evans/James Potter fights. They're the most legendary arguments ever to take place in that school!"

"Really?" asked Harry interestedly.

"Yes," said Sirius, "they were pretty bad. And, one day at the end of fifth year, she said some stuff even I won't repeat."

"That bad, huh?"

Remus nodded. "It hurt James so much. Over that summer we finally convinced him to give up on her. Although, now, in hindsight, that is my greatest regret..."

The two adults looked quite sheepish and sad.

"Why?" asked Harry.

"Well, you see, Harry," answered Sirius, "James had always told us that no one could resist the Potter charm, and that Evans would crack someday. We always thought he was nuts, of course, but-"

"What Sirius is trying to say is that James was right and we were wrong. We think she fell in love with him in seventh year, after getting to know him as Head Boy and Girl."

"Remus even thinks she bought a Pensieve to fill with just her memories of James."

"It was hidden in a closet in her office and labeled 'J.P.' What was I supposed to think?"

"Anyway, after James died, Lily pretty much let herself go. She has virtually no reason to live now."

"Yes, I pity her so much. Such a great mind, such great potential...and yet, nothing."

"I feel sorry for her as well. Although," Sirius added fiercely, "after seeing what she did to James all those years, witnessing all that pain she caused him, I actually believe that..."

"That what?" inquired Harry.

"She deserves it."

Harry thought about this statement and weighed the odds. In reality, the pain Professor Evans had now was largely self-inflicted. He spoke again, but more to himself than the others.

"Yes," he said coldly, "She deserves it."

* * *

The end.

Like I said, not one of my usual happy ending, humorous, teenage Lily and the Marauders stories.

I hope you enjoyed it, and also, **disclaimer: not mine.**

Please review!

On a side note, I do not have many visitors to my other new story "In Which Sirius Black Writes A Story" and I only have one review for it. So, as a bit of shameless advertising, would you mind reading that? Thanks much.

Well, have a nice day!


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